Getting Out The Midget Vote

So I got my Oregon absentee ballot in the mail the other day, and promptly sat down with a pen and a bottle of Jim Beam and exercised my civic duty to vote. However, I opened my envelope to discover, much to my surprise, that there were, like, a million different things that I needed to vote on! "What gives?" I said to Coraline the Cat as I took a shot, "I just want to vote for the nice colored fella with the big ears!" But here they had all of these people I had never even heard of, running for offices I had never even heard of, like "Secretary of State," and "Senator"!

Being the conscientious citizen than I am, I opted not to vote for whichever candidate's name came first on the ballot, or for whomever had the best-sounding name. (Sorry, Pavel Goberman.) Rather, I took to the internets, hoping that they could objectively inform me about the candidates and the issues important to Oregonians. But instead, they gave me something way better:






Steve Novick has a hook for a hand! A hook that he can use as a bottle opener! Not only that, the guy is also 4'9", on account of not being born with any fibula bones. A hook-handed midget who drinks? Does he spend his free time sailing the sea, plundering and carrying off booty? Now there's a candidate who shares my values! My vote is sold!

"But Joel!" said the cat, "Not only are you vaguely racist, but you are also picking your candidate on a purely superficial basis, thereby abusing your rights and responsibilities as a voter!"

"Shut up, Cat!" said I, "Steve Novick spearheaded the fight against Bill Sizemore's Measure 91, which would have cut the state budget for schools, health care, and public safety by more than 20%! He has been endorsed by former Governor John Kitzhaber and by The Oregonian, which said that 'he has the potential to make Oregonians proud'!"

I paused to take another shot.

"Plus, he's a midget-robot-pirate."