What I Have Been Reading Lately

From around the web:

Do You Miss Him Yet? - I don't know why or how, but Stanley Fish continues to write columns for the New York Times that just get under my skin and crawl around in there like those scarab beetles from The Mummy movies. This week, he's writing about the growing sense of nostalgia in America for George W. Bush. Of course, Fish's "evidence" for this "movement" is the construction of a bizarre billboard in Minnesota and the latest cover of Newsweek magazine. (No polls, or anything.) The most audacious part is that Fish's entire essay seems to be the product of his resentment of negative comments posted following his prediction that Bush's image would soon be resuscitated in the minds of the American people. But if Fish wants people to stop writing nasty things about him, he should stop saying stupid and inane things in public.

Speaking of people I don't like: Allen Iverson. You all know how I loathe him, loathe him for being a horrible basketball player and for duping more than one team into thinking that he could actually make them good. So I was happy when he got shipped out of Detroit, and then put on the bench in Philadelphia, until he was finally forced into what essentially counted as retirement. But even I feel a little bit icky about what has happened to Iverson since then: rumors surrounding his drinking and gambling problems, his wife filing for divorce, and his 4-year old daughter falling seriously ill. Not even the most selfish player in the history of the NBA deserves those kinds of troubles.


And, finally:

The Wide World of Sports

February always seems to get me depressed. Maybe it's the lingering sensation that Winter will never, ever end. Or maybe it's the fact that there's just nothing good on TV.

1) President Obama attended a college basketball game between Georgetown and Duke on Saturday, and even "provided about seven minutes of nationally televised hoops commentary in the second half..." Also, "After a referee made a call that went against Georgetown, an obscene chant was cut short after one student admonished another, 'Dude, the president of the United States is right there.' "

Dude.

2) Meanwhile, the Justice Department has recently announced that it is "considering several steps that would review the legality of the controversial Bowl Championship Series," including determining whether or not the BCS can be sued under the Sherman Antitrust Act, or if the Federal Trade Commission can act against the BCS under consumer protection laws. Because if there's one thing that American consumers need to be protected from, it's the BCS.

3) And, finally, Allen Iverson has been selected as a starter for the East in this year's All-Star game. Just for the record, Iverson is averaging 14.7 points, 4.3 assists, and 2.9 rebounds per game on 43.5% shooting for a team that is currently 16-31 and is currently tied for 10th place in the mediocre Eastern Conference. Plus, he got cut by the Memphis Grizzlies earlier this year.

And we can't even blame this one on China.

But don't worry, America. Opening pitch is only 28 days away.

Monday Morning Schadenfreude

So it's Monday, and our only day to recuperate between Kentucky Derby Day and Cinco de Mayo. Might as well spend it refreshing ourselves in the misery of our fellow human beings...

1) Lost in the buzz about LeBron James' winning of the MVP award is the story that this year's NBA executive of the year is the Denver Nuggets VP Mark Warkentien. The article on SI.com explains why:

Warkentien was the architect of the biggest deal in the NBA this season, trading Allen Iverson and his big contract for Chauncey Billups. The move sparked Denver's franchise-tying 54-win regular season and the Nuggets' first playoff series win in 15 years.

How does that taste AI? They will actually give someone an award for trading you! Bwahahahaa!! Sounds like it's time for you to go home and cry into your millions of dollars!

2) And you know who else I don't feel sorry for? A-Rod. I mean, nobody deserves to have their lives ruthlessly picked apart by the tabloid media. Except for A-Rod.

Some of my favorite zingers have been:

According to the material leaked from Selena Roberts' new book, A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez, he is not merely a liar, a fraud and an egoist, but a cheater of the first degree, whose remorseful "confession" during spring training was little more than a well-choreographed one-man interpretation of Justin Timberlake's Cry Me a River. Turns out A-Rod might have been using steroids since high school, and that he was involved with HGH after becoming a Yankee. In other words, like Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds before him, the glowing awe that once accompanied Rodriguez has -- poof! -- vanished. - Jeff Pearlman

So if Girardi were the Czar of the Written Word, we would never read about how the personal lives of presidents influence their decision-making. Great. Or, in the case of Rodriguez, what influences shaped the most famous baseball player in the world to be so reckless, insecure, self-destructive and egomaniacal -- by the way, all elements that impact the atmosphere of Girardi's team. - Joel Sherman

Alex Rodriguez was an insecure prima donna who made a clubhouse attendant load his toothbrush with toothpaste after every game in his three seasons with the Texas Rangers, a new book charges... His Bomber teammates regarded A-Rod as a phony and a hypocrite because he tried to project an All-American public image while pursuing a swinger's lifestyle. - Teri Thompson and Micheal O'Keefe

Ah, yes. Mocking A-Rod for being a womanly, phony, image-obsessed, insecure prima donna.* It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Which is why we do it.

3) So you've just been laid from your job as Secretary of State. Your party has been thoroughly trounced in the last two elections, and now the new president has started doing some very unnerving things, like releasing formerly confidential memoranda, that have you thinking not only about job security, but also about not-being-in-jail security. What do you do?

Join the academy, of course.

So it is with Condoleeza Rice, as she prepares to re-join the faculty at Stanford University as a poli-sci professor. Hopefully you've read Maureen Dowd's column on this, which describes Rice's attempt - and failure - to defend her position on "enhanced interrogation techniques" in front of a college freshmen. Watch her squirm:



Sorry, Condi - nothing makes you look worse, or more frightened and desperate, than browbeating an undergrad about how he cannot possibly understand the pressures that you faced after 9/11. MauDow may have the best observation, though:

The student pressed again about whether waterboarding was torture. “By definition, if it was authorized by the president, it did not violate our obligations under the Conventions Against Torture,” Ms. Rice said, almost quoting Nixon’s logic: “When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.”

And while I am glad that some students were able to hold Rice's feet to the fire, albeit metaphorically, I was hoping that they would be able to muster up a little more passion, or at least an understanding of the power of spectacle. Where's the sit-in? Where are the buckets of red food-dye? Where are the naked protesters?

Why is this woman not being bombarded with shoes wherever she goes?

* He plays ball like a girl, too.

Bottom 10 List

At the Portland Trail Blazer fan website bustabucket.com, they have a list of the 10 Most hated NBA Players. Their list has a few surprises for me. It goes as follows:

10) Zach Randolph
9) Paul Pierce
8) Manu Ginobili
7) Kevin Garnett
6) Carlos Boozer
5) Ricky Davis
4) Bruce Bowen
3) Stephon Marbury
2) Shaquille O'Neal
1) Kobe Bryant

This list seems oddly anti-Celtics to me, especially coming from a pro-Blazer website. (I don't think there's any real rivalry between Portland and Boston.) My personal list - regardless of whether or not I think that these 10 players are hated by the public in general - would go as follows:

10) Mike Bibby
9) Zach Randolph
8) Carmelo Anthony
7) Gilbert Arenas
6) Ron Artest
5) Bruce Bowen
4) Carlos Boozer
3) Stephon Marbury
2) Kobe Bryant
1) Allen Iverson

Monday Morning Schadenfreude

You know who I hate?

Allen Iverson.

Somewhere out in the depths of the Internet, there's a video of me on my 21st birthday, going off on a drunken tirade about how absolutely horrible of a basketball player he is. I mention this to prove that if the Detroit Pistons had asked me what I thought about Iverson when they were considering trading Chauncey Billups for him, I would not have hesitated to give my opinion. I'm not just kind of fair-weather hater, is what I'm saying.

Iverson was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the Detroit Pistons on November 3 for Chauncey Billups. (Essentially, since Antonio McDyess later re-signed with the Pistons.) That was on the second day of the season. Last year, Detroit went 59-23. So far this season, they're 29-29. "But Joel," you say, "there are so many variables at work! Their starters are all starting to age! They have to compete with the Cavs, Celtics, and Magic! They have a new, young coach! You can't blame the Pistons' decline solely on Iverson!" Fine. But now, let's look at Iverson's old team, Denver.

The Nuggets finished last season 50-32, a .610 win percentage, and lost in the first round of the playoffs to the Lakers. So far this season, they are 39-21, .650. At this point, they're #1 in their division, meaning that they should be able to avoid either the Lakers and the Spurs in the first round, and should be favored to make at least the semi-finals.

But here's the kicker. Since February 8, the Pistons had been in a free-fall, losing 8 games in a row and falling into seventh place in the East. It had been starting to look like they might not even make the playoffs. They had lost the first three games of a five-game road trip, including a 21-point drubbing at the hands of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Then Iverson started suffering from mysterious back ailments, and was flown back to Detroit, his starting position in the line-up returned to Rip Hamilton. And then the Pistons won. At Orlando. And then they won again. At Boston.

And after the Celtics lost, Paul Pierce said: ''You can tell they're playing the system they played before Iverson got there. When Iverson is out there they're still trying to figure out how to use each other, how to all be successful. But that group that's out there is definitely comfortable because they've played together for years.''

Rip Hamilton said: ''We played our type of basketball. That's the thing for me with Tayshaun, Rasheed (Wallace) and (Antonio) McDyess, I always know they're going to be at all times.''

Doc Rivers said: ''This is the old Pistons we're playing now. The ball is hopping. They're playing together.''

Gee, nothing personal A.I., but when you're not there, the Pistons "play the system they played," "played our type of basketball," and were "playing together." It's almost as if playing "together" as a "team" helps Detroit "win basketball games."

I am still at sea as to why Detroit would trade Billups, who has won infinitely more NBA Championships than Iverson and is the epitome of a team-leading point guard who plays the system. The conventional wisdom is that, because Iverson's contract is due to expire next season, the Pistons are preparing to rebuild completely, and possibly get into the running for signing one (or more) of the big names that will be free-agents in 2010. Fine. But I still contend that they're better with Iverson on the bench. In a suit. At home. Weeping.

But we'll find out. Denver plays at Detroit tomorrow. My money says that, as long as Iverson doesn't play, the Pistons will win.

Because I hate him.

Go Blazers.