Friday, March 13, 2009

Chicago Has Better Pizza, Too

On Wednesday, I got back from a brief, incognito two-day visit to New York for Little Sister's 18th birthday. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.... I had a very good time, and might have more to talk about the trip at a later date. However, I realized again that, even though New York has some very beautiful architecture, it is definitely lacking in the "dark and menacing" tower category. For example:

The Chrysler Building:

Elegant and graceful? Yes. Black and terrifying? No.

Chicago, on the other hand, knows that, if you want to show the world who's the boss, you've got to build, dark towers that even Saruman would quake and tremble before.

Exhibit A: The Hancock Tower:

It's like the difference between John Lindsey and Richard J. Daley. (Yes, I'm still reading Nixonland.)

And what about the Empire State Building? Sure, it's big and beautiful, and perhaps the very definition of classic, (1613, from Fr. classique, from L. classicus "relating to the (highest) classes of the Roman people," hence, "superior," from classis (see class)). And, yes, it did murder King Kong. But look at:

If you ask me, the last thing that we need these days is a symbol of hope and inspiration. No, what we need is a phallic symbol that casts a shadow of fear across the land, that is huge and massive and, above all, imposing. ("the levying of taxes, a tax, duty," from O.Fr. imposition (1317), from L. impositionem (nom. impositio) "a laying on," from imponere "to place upon," from in- "into" + ponere "to put, place" (see position). As in "The governor of Illinois imposed a new tax in order to compensate for the incredible levels of graft and corruption of his predecessor.") Yes, in these days of doubt and uncertainty, what we need is the original Dark Tower, the Sears Tower:*FclW*kcXDeSxJbo7UA8ifXpu1AZvsoYie0x7XmeEIMs7gmw5upfd4SBpw-DmJd2mZ9HdatkhUTgwj8sCvo5PZJDF7/Chicago1.jpg

I mean, just look at it. The Sears Tower may not be as beautiful as The Empire State Building, but I bet that, if they transformed into robot form and had a battle over Niagara Falls, the Sears Tower would totally win.

In fact, at night, the Sears Tower, along with its sidekick, the AT&T Corporate Center, comes alive, and patrols the city streets fighting crime and menace. Also, they shake down store owners in Chinatown for bribe money, and sometimes they beat up the Aon Center or that new Trump Tower, just to keep them in their place.

Also, it shoots down terrorist air planes with lightning bolts from the horns on top of its head.



The owls on the Harold Washington Library also come alive at night. In addition to helping fight the on-going gang and other violence problems here, they also hunt down people with overdue library fines. They have been known to carry off the unsuspecting tourist from time to time as well.


Sometimes this thing comes alive and dismembers people, too:

'The Picasso' sculpture

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