I Watch Sports Because I Like Being Angry

Ghana has just been eliminated from the World Cup in penalty kicks against Uruguay. This might be the single most tragic sporting event that I have ever seen. On Facebook, a friend of mine wrote, "More proof there is no god." Upon reflection, however, I replied, "this is more proof that there is a god, and that he likes to see us suffer." With that in mind, allow me to recount some of the greatest personal tragedies that I have suffered in the cruel world of sports.



January 22, 1989 - Super Bowl XXIII: San Francisco 49ers 20, Cincinnati Bengals 16. This is the game that started my long history of sports heartbreaks and near-misses. I was four years old when this Super Bowl took place, and on that day I decided that I was a die-hard Cincinnati Bengals fan. I probably didn't even know where Cincinnati was - I still have a hard time spelling it - but as soon as I saw those helmets, I knew who I was rooting for. Plus, they had players with the names "Icky Woods" and "Boomer Esaison." How cool is that? And when the Bengals took a 16-13 in the Fourth Quarter, I was certain that they would win. But then Joe Montana led the 49ers on a historic 85-yard drive, connecting with Jerry Rice for the winning touchdown with 57 seconds left in the game. I broke into tears at the end of that game. It would not be the last time.

June 14, 1992 - NBA Finals, Game 6: Chicago Bulls 97, Portland Trail Blazers 93. This game is the reason why I still can't bring myself to root for the Bulls. People often forget how good the Portland Trail Blazers of Clyde Drexler and "Rip City" actually were. On the road, and facing elimination, the Blazers came out hot and were up on Chicago by 15 going into the Fourth Quarter. But then they flopped, scoring only 6 points in the final 4 minutes, getting outscored 33-14 for the period. This series also started the strange tradition of the Blazers getting "commercialized" - that famous picture of Jordan smiling and shrugging is from game 1. But how many people recognize Cliff Robinson standing around stupidly in the background?



June 4, 2000 - NBA Western Conference Finals, Game 7: Los Angeles Lakers 89, Portland Trail Blazers 84. Speaking of which.... In L.A. the Trail Blazers went into the Fourth Quarter with a 75-60 lead over Kobe and Shaq and the Lakers. Portland had completely dominated the game, and looked certain to advance to the Finals, where they would be the heavy favorites over the Indiana Pacers. That's when my Grandma - who I love very much and am very grateful towards, and who happened to live in L.A. and be a Lakers fan - called and offered to buy me tickets to the Finals if the Blazers won. If. She cursed them. Portland went on to choke up the largest lead ever in a Game 7, and L.A. went on to win their first of three championships. Oh, and this:



That's Rasheed Wallace, Portland HOFer Scottie Pippen, and Brian Grant all getting dunked on. Nice going, fellas.


May 31, 2002 - NBA Western Conference Finals, Game 6: Los Angeles Lakers 106, Sacramento Kings 102. The rest of the games on the list are not quite on the traumatic scale of the first three; either I get older, and so the stakes are not as great, or I don't feel the same kind of loyalty that I developed as a kid, or simply that the magnitude of the collapse wasn't as epic. For example, I've never been a Kings fan, but I supported them because they were from a small market, because they were "scrappy"*, and because they were playing against the Lakers. But this game is on this list because it was the infamous Tim Donaghy game, when the Lakers shot 40 free throws, 27 of them in the Fourth Quarter. People from Portland had been complaining about the refs' bias for the Lakers for two years. After this game, other folks began to see what we had been talking about.

Or what about:

October 16, 2003 - ALCS, Game 7: New York Yankees 6, Boston Red Sox 5. This one lost some of it's tragic element the next year, when Boston got revenge. Of course, I doubt that real Red Sox fans would agree with me on that one.

July 9, 2006 - World Cup Final: Italy 1, France 1. (PK's 5-3.) The head butt hear round the world. I put this one on the list because this is the game that started my deep hatred of penalty kicks as a way to determine the winners of soccer games.

January 1, 2010 - Rose Bowl: Ohio State Buckeyes 26, Oregon Ducks 17. At first, I was devastated by this loss. Then I realized that the Ducks had made history just by winning the Pac- um ... X.... Then they started stealing laptops. Can't wait for September.

And now...

July 2, 2010 - World Cup Quarterfinal: Uruguay 1, Ghana 1. (PK's 4-2.) I generally don't byt the whole "they deserve to win" argument that sportscasters often make. New Orleans didn't need a Super Bowl. They need federal aid. Cleveland doesn't need an NBA title. They need a functioning infrastructure. But even I get sucked into the whole narrative of a game meaning more than just a game. Especially when the sport is taken to a national level. Ghana deserved to win this match. And they were robbed.

The Universe is cruel.

* This may be one of the reasons why I keep being crushed by my teams' ultimately coming up short. I have since learned that "scrappy" is usually code for short, untalented, dirty, and, unfortunately, white.

Reading Way Too Much Into Things

So I have been watching the NBA Playoffs on tv this week - well, all of the playoffs except for the Blazers-Suns, because I'm in the stupid Central Time Zone and have to get up at 5 in the morning and can't stay up till 1 am each night - and have become very rapidly inundated by all of the sports-and-man-themed commercials. Soon, I am sure, all of their subliminal messages will be safely and securely embedded within my psyche, and I will sped the entirety of my weekly pay on Reeboks and hybrid cars and DVD after DVD of Avatar. But, until then, I may still have the free will and capacity to question a few of the messages that are coming through. For example:




In 1965, we started a revolution. Civil Rights legislation? No, Gatorade. But it's weird how Gatorade puts themselves directly into the entire story of African-Americans fight for Civil Rights. Before Gatorade, basketball, tennis, and football we're played solely by white people, balling on peach baskets in - what? - a court house? Playing tennis in front of their friend Gatsby while wearing bloomers and fancy hats, or getting ready for the big game against the Gipper, everyone with the same crew-cut haircuts, all the while drinking plain, homogenous, monochromatic water. But then, bam! 1965! Gatorade! Muhammad Ali! Michael Jordan!* Black people can even play tennis now! (Um... but not golf....) I really like this ad. (I can't recall a Gatorade commercial that I didn't like.) And I think that it's a good idea for them to have people associate their product with the "revolution" that started in 1965. I even find the phrase, "In 2010, we're changing the game again," intriguing; could they possible be referring to healthcare reform?

Then, there's this ad, which never fails to disappoint:



This commercial initially aired during the Super Bowl, but it's getting constant air time during the playoffs. In my mind, it delivers the opposite message of its intention: Essentially it's an argument for why not to wear pants, why not to buy Dockers. I, for one, would much rather be marching proudly across the savannah in my whitey-tighties singing with my bearded and bespectacled friends then alone in some of kind of brick warehouse with my head cut out of the frame. It just goes to prove what I've been saying all along:

Pants are fascist.**

*Who, by the way, is wearing the greatest jacket ever to the Charlotte-Orlando game.
** In fact, I'm taking mine off right now. Go Blazers!

Introducting Literary March Madness 2010!

All last weekend, Robyn and I watched NCAA basketball on TV; or, at least, I watched, while Robyn occupied herself with far more productive manners, such as reading and drinking tea and doing her Library Science homework. By Sunday, however, I think I succeeded in getting her sucked in just a little bit to the Madness of March. Maybe not the basketball part of it, per se, but she at least got into the "bracketology" aspect; she has been participating herself both in Jezebel's "Cake vs. Pie: March Madness" and Austenaicous.com's "Jane Austen March Madness."

But then came Monday, and both my tournament champion (Kansas) and Robyn's tournament champion (Elinor Dashwood) had been bumped. So we decided that we can make our own damn spreadsheets, thank you very much, and went on to create our own 64-member tournament: Literary March Madness.

The process was simple; we went through our house and found 64 different authors that at least one of us has read and enjoyed, although are a few in the list that are technically library books recently returned. We then divided them into four regions and seeded the regions 1-16. Now we're going to post them here, and invite you and your friends to vote and tell us who our Literary Champion will be.

Some notes and suggestions about you might want to vote. There are a lot of classic authors in the bracket, but not everyone is. We tried to pick writers from a relatively large range; we have authors from different countries, languages, ages, genres, etc. So I don't think it's necessary for you to vote for whom you think the "best" writer is - although that should be something taken into account - or even your personal favorite. But also take into account their personal strengths and weaknesses, how historically important they are, how fond your memories of their stories are, how adroit or indelicate their prose styles are, and whether or not it is raining outside. And remember, upsets are welcome! So, please vote, via blog or Facebook or e-mail, and please leave comments and suggestions for improvement for next year!

Spring Break! Whooo!

Today is the first day of Spring Break for Champaign Public Schools, and I have been spending it in my underpants watching March Madness. We're planning on taking it easy this break, and may go up to Chicago next weekend. I have never been a big "Cancun" style of Spring Breaker anyways; in four years at Bard, I spent my Spring Breaks in Montreal, New Hampshire, and Vermont (twice). Suffice to say, there were not many people going topless or "Girls Gone Wild" camera crews about. Thankfully.

I don't know about you, but man, my bracket is busted. (Ohio?? Seriously, Ohio??) Last night, Robyn said this to me: "You're a bad gambler. Which is different from being a problem gambler. You're a bad gambler, and you know you're a bad gambler. So I don't really mind." Until I bet our life savings - or Robyn's copy of Jane Eyre from 1943 - on Gonzaga making the Final Four. ("But honey, it's a Sure Thing!")

Speaking of sports.... Robyn's dad wrote us a letter that included the following:

Ask Joel why the Oregon football players keep getting arrested. That is typical behavior of University of Cincinnati players, but unusual for Oregon where people are nice.

Sigh... I was hoping to continue the charade of making my future father-in-law believe that Oregon is "where people are nice*," but I guess the game is up. A simple Google search ought to clear up the air a bit:

June 18, 1999: Eco-Terrorists Given Free Reign

July 23, 2001: In Oregon, Anarchists Act Locally

September 26, 2008: Beavers Win, Ducks Riot

September 26, 2008: Eugene Party Escalates Into Riot

October 31, 2008: Eugene Police Trying to Prevent Halloween Riots

Why do the Oregon football players keep getting arrested? Well, that's just how they roll in Eugene.

**

Sadly, the West is today producing freaks of a much less noble streak. In yesterday's Spokane, WA Spokesman-Review (Go Zags!), the following story ran: "Sali Resurfaces, Criticizes Immunizations":

Former Idaho Congressman Bill Sali resurfaced in Idaho politics today, testifying against child immunizations at a state House committee he once chaired and scheduling a Statehouse announcement on this final day of the candidate filing period - which then turned out to be just an endorsement for another candidate.

Sali, a conservative Republican, lost the 1st Congressional District seat to Democrat Walt Minnick two years ago after serving one term; before that, he was a longtime state lawmaker known for clashing with members of his own party....

... At the House Health and Welfare committee, Sali spoke out against child immunizations, saying, “I grew up in a time when childhood diseases were something you had as a child, and I had mumps and I had chicken pox and I had measles. I don’t spend any time worrying about whether I’m going to have those diseases. If a parent decides they want to have their child exposed and have that natural immunity that should never be held against them in any way.”

Sigh... "I grew up in a time when childhood diseases were something you had as a child..." "And dammit, if you had polio, then you just dealt with it! You pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and you stuck to those Nazis and Commies and Nazicommies, and said to them, 'Dammit! I'm an American, and my parents have decided that they want me exposed to this disease that was identified as a global epidemic in 1910 and that in 1952 killed 3,145 American children and paralyzed 21,269 others and that that decision to test my natural immunity should not be held against them in any way!' And that's why we won World War Two! And the Cold War! We had mumps and chicken pox and measles, and we never once let anybody ever tell us what to do!"


* "Where People Are Nice" would be an awesome state motto, by the way.
** From the "Merry Prankster History Project":

Around 1973/4 they became involved in something called the Bend in the River Council which was an attempt to influence Oregon's political and environmental decisions. Kesey and Babbs travelled to a number of towns around Oregon where they held open public "town-hall" meetings to discuss local area concerns and recruit interested parties. A large "Council" meeting was held on July 4th at Bend, Oregon where these "citizens of the state [were] given the opportunity to peruse, review, consider and express opinions on possible directions for the next 25 years" (I'm quoting from the BITR proposal that was circulating at the time).

Has anyone ever heard of this before? Can anyone point me to where I could learn more about it?

Angry, Lazy Blogging

Yay! March! (... grumble... lousy Smarch weather....)

I wish the stupid NCAA basketball tournament would hurry up and start. I am so sick and tired of college hoops being on ESPN and ESPN2 and ESPN Ocho every single freakin' night. It seems to me to be just meaningless game after meaningless game after meaningless game...

... but at least it's better than the NFL draft combine. Seriously, are we going to start paying money to watch athletes pretend to play sports??

Speaking of things that make me angry: Are There Secular Reasons? by Stanley Fish. Professor Fish is doing his best to continue the lie that only people who believe in God can ever be ethical or moral.

Boy, I seem to be cranky this morning. I'm apparently OK in my sleep, though; Robyn said that a few nights ago I seemed to not only be talking in my sleep, but teaching, and saying things like, "Yes, that's right," "OK, do the rest now," and "You're doing a good job," in a calm, steady voice one octave higher than my normal speaking voice.

More Bad News

This is one of the reason's why I was so down last week. Brian Grant, former Portland Trail Blazer and all around good guy, has Parkinson's Disease. This video almost made me cry. On the plus side, though, Grant is comically huger than Michael J. Fox.

Sports Give Our Lives Meaning!

From the desk of: Joel

Well, that sure was a stupid ending to the College Football season....

I tuned in for the first half of the Alabama-Texas game, slightly supporting Texas because I hear that Austin is a cool town and they have several excellent Nietzsche scholars there. But I turned it off at halftime after their poor, deer-in-the-headlights freshman QB turned the ball over and gave Alabama a 24-6 lead. Yawn. I guess that the Longhorns made something of a game of it later, but still, the fact of the matter is that the SEC has now won four straight national championships. I believe that the SEC is overrated, and that they get an unfair advantage in the rankings, but until somebody beats them on the field, it's really all just sound and fury.

It's kind of the same with the Pac-10. I watched the Rose Bowl from our friends' house in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. Nobody cared about the game but me, and I was jumping all over the room, yelling and screaming at the television while everyone was made fun of me and played Presidents and Assholes. The point is that, while I still believe that the Ducks are better than Ohio State, and that they played a bad game, and they were jinxed by their stupid white helmets, the fact is that they lost. Add that to the Pac-10's 2-5 record in bowls this year, including blowout losses by the Beavers against BYU and Arizona against Nebraska, and it looks like we're in for yet another year of people ignoring the Pac-10 and/or saying derogatory things about it. Oh, well.

So, on to the next sport! The Blazers beat the Lakers last night! And are right behind Denver in their division, despite playing without half of their team! Go buy your Juwan Howard jerseys, quick!

Also, for those of you who were wondering, St. Augustine of Hippo defeated Simone de Beauvoir to win the Ultimate Philosophers Championship this year. It was epic.

Also, Stupid White Helmets:

Too Early For Thinking

From the desk of: Joel

Maybe Greg Oden keeps getting hurt because the Norse god Odin is angry that they share the same last name. Maybe Greg Oden should change his name to Greg Smith. Or Greg Poseidon.

Robyn took me to see the Nutcracker at the Krannert Center on Sunday. It was lots of fun - I had never seen the entire ballet before - but I think that my entire experience was tainted by being raised on Fantasia. During the Chinese dance, all I could see were those cute little mushrooms running around in circles. It was hilarious.

If I were Boise St. and TCU, I would take three knees and then punt on each of my first possessions as a form of protest against the BCS for being stuck in the Fiesta Bowl playing against each other.

Robyn found this interview of Bard professor Roger Berkowitz in Harper's Magazine. Berkowitz is discussing the writings and philosophy Hannah Arendt, who is buried at Bard and is pretty much our alma mater's philosophy bff. (With the possible exception of maybe Kant.) You should read it if you have time. Some highlights:

The political lies Arendt worries about are not mere falsehoods. They are political acts in which facts are denied and alternative realities are created. In denying facts, the political liar acts to change the world, to make reality anew so that it conforms to our needs and desires. In this way, lying is at the essence of political action....

Arendt’s letter to Ellison has been seized upon as evidence that she recanted her opposition to forced integration. This overstates the case. Ellison rejects Arendt’s claim that black parents exploited their children by sending them into such an explosive situation. Arendt’s admission that she did not understand the black experience of sacrifice does not suggest that she altered her view that forced desegregation was a fundamental violation of the rights of all parents to educate their children as they wished....

After the war, she stood with Judah Magnes as a critic of the establishment of Israel as a Jewish state. Instead, she advocated for a binational state that encompassed Jews and Arabs as equal citizens. Whether such a state was ever possible, many have credited Arendt with prescience in her prediction that a Jewish state would necessarily be chauvinist, that Palestinians—as second class citizens—would emerge as refugees presenting an insolvable problem, and that Israel would become a militarized state....

5 Thoughts on a Thursday

1) Our roommate, B-, and his girlfriend will be hosting a Halloween Party this Saturday. It is one of three parties that R.A. - whose social card is quite suddenly filled up these days - has us attending this weekend. One of the other two is a get together of her fellow Library students, while the other is a party hosted by a group of graduate students that I met for the first time at a screening of the latest Micheal Moore movie; that's right - they're all filthy, filthy Socialists. In fact, it's going to be a Socialist Party! (Get it?)

Actually, I am incredibly fond of R.A.'s Red friends, even if I do give her guff about it. Their political views certainly seem to be much more sound and sensible given the events of the past 18 months or so. But what I am really interested in is whether the Socialists or the Librarians will be wearing better Halloween costumes. Because they're going to have a tough time topping my costume....

2) A Duck-Rabbit.



You can also buy Duck-Rabbit beer from North Carolina. Seriously. If the guy had been smart at all, he would have copyrighted this shit.

And speaking of Ducks...

3) ESPN360.com changed my entire perspective on things last weekend. Apparently, we get a subscription to this website now because we use Comcast as our internet provider, and so last Saturday I got to watch, on my 14-inch laptop screen, Illinois vs. Purdue, Florida vs. Mississippi St. Oregon vs. Washington, and USC vs. Oregon St. It was awesome. At one point, I was actually jumping up and down in the living room, swearing at my computer, with no one else in the house except for me and the cats. This weekend, I'm going to try to fanagle my way into watching the USC-Oregon game during the various holiday festivities. I don't think that R.A. approves, but at least then, if I were sneaking away from the party every five minutes to go and stare at my computer in our bedroom or office, my costume would make some lick of sense.

And speaking of, um, Oregon sports...

4) Go Blazers! Not that I have given up on football, or even baseball even, (Go Phils), but, man, am I excited about basketball. The Blazers are going to be good. Heck, they might even win a playoff series this year! But maybe I am the most excited about having something new to talk to some of my students about that they're actually interested in. This week, for Trivia Tuesday, I wrote up some trivia questions about Kobe and LeBron, and, man, did those little eyes light up. Much more interesting than questions about Washington Irving.

Now if only I could convince them that Kobe sucks, and that Brandon Roy is much better when you consider the team as a whole.

5) And finally, sadly, I want to say that one of the kindest, funniest, and smartest people that I ever had the pleasure to know, Abe Jellinek, died last weekend in New York. It is one of the saddest events I could have ever imagined. Here is a link to the Boston Globe obituary and guest book. Here is a link to one of Abe's notes, that, I think exemplifies his brilliance and his talent. The world is a darker place without him.

We Should Invade Indiana

I am such a dork. I think that this ad, by Nike, is the coolest thing ever:



It combines my appreciation for baseball, crazy-made up maps, and early American history. I especially love how most of the West - including Eastern Oregon - is still "unincorporated territory." Also that the White Sox country is completely surrounded by the Cubs. (But since when did the Cubs colors include orange?)

Sadly, with the Lakers up 2-0 now, I have turned my full attention to baseball. Of course, that hasn't been much better for me, with the ChiSox playing like a bunch of lollygaggers so far this season.

And even the early promise of a Kansas City - Pittsburgh World Series has faded, with the Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers and Phillies all rising to the top of their respective divisi0ns. I am probably in the minority when I say that a Royals-Bucs final would be good for Major League Baseball: Two older franchises, with strong histories but who haven't won in a while, two struggling, mid-west cities that could use the marketing and economic attention, etc. But, no. Everyone in the front offices at the MLB just want the big money match-ups. Thinking about it, I think the following is the ideal situation for MLB in terms of viewership:

NLDS: Mets vs. Cubs, Dodgers vs. Phillies
ALDS: Yankees vs. Angels, Red Sox vs. White Sox
NLCS: Cubs vs. Dodgers
ALCS: Yankees vs. Red Sox
WS: Yankees vs. Dodgers

Of course, I'm sure they wouldn't mind a Cubs-Red Sox Series. But with NY-LA, you're guaranteed to get that West Coast viewing market.

So with that in mind, I proudly present the worst possible match-ups:

NLDS: Rockies vs. Reds, Pirates vs. Nationals
ALDS: Mariners vs. Rays, Royals vs. Orioles
NLCS: Rockies vs. Pirates
ALCS: Rays vs. Royals
WS: Rockies vs. Royals

(Sigh) A boy can dream, can't he?

Bottom 10 List

At the Portland Trail Blazer fan website bustabucket.com, they have a list of the 10 Most hated NBA Players. Their list has a few surprises for me. It goes as follows:

10) Zach Randolph
9) Paul Pierce
8) Manu Ginobili
7) Kevin Garnett
6) Carlos Boozer
5) Ricky Davis
4) Bruce Bowen
3) Stephon Marbury
2) Shaquille O'Neal
1) Kobe Bryant

This list seems oddly anti-Celtics to me, especially coming from a pro-Blazer website. (I don't think there's any real rivalry between Portland and Boston.) My personal list - regardless of whether or not I think that these 10 players are hated by the public in general - would go as follows:

10) Mike Bibby
9) Zach Randolph
8) Carmelo Anthony
7) Gilbert Arenas
6) Ron Artest
5) Bruce Bowen
4) Carlos Boozer
3) Stephon Marbury
2) Kobe Bryant
1) Allen Iverson

5 Thoughts On a Thursday Friday

I started this posting yesterday afternoon, and am just now finishing it today. It's one of three or four longer postings that I've been sitting on for a while now. Hopefully I will get to the others sometime soon.

1) Eliot says that April is the cruelest month, but I say that's a load of crap. April is much nicer than August, November, December, January, February, or March. That puts at just at or maybe even a little above average in my book. Really, "The Wasteland" should start: "April is the cruelest month, except for all those other months that are even worse..." I don't know. Maybe it's an English thing. What with the rain and all.

2) Speaking of The Lost Generation, buy me this book.

3) Last night On Wednesday, R.A. and I went to The Empty Bottle to watch Jason Webley play. Jason has the most fun-per-pound of any musician that I have ever seen. Every time that I have seen him he has been a one-man show (although I guess that he has a band that he tours with from time to time) and he plays the guitar, accordion, jug of coins, and there's lots of clapping and stomping and shouting. It's actually kinda hard to compare him to anything... Maybe like Dick van Dyke from "Mary Poppins" if Bert were way more into Thanatos and numerology.* Either way, Jason rarely comes to Chicago, so we need to get to work to make sure that he comes back soon.

Also, my high opinion of Jason Webley has nothing to do with the fact that I got to hang out with him after he played at Bard one time, and that R.A. and I drove him to the Kingston bus station the next day.

4) How about those Tar Heels? I have come to believe that the "madness" in March Madness is due to the fact that the betting formats are set up so that someone like me, who barely follows college basketball and picks a little more than half of the match-ups correctly through the first four rounds, can end up second in his pool just by getting lucky in the Final Four.

Also, I love this video:



Ten minutes of Obama talking to some dude from ESPN about his bracket picks. I like the video because I get the feeling that Obama is barely tolerating the fact that he has to do this. You really start to get this impression around 8:11, when he starts talking about the NATO summit. As in, "This is fun, but I should really be going and preparing for the NATO summit."

5) "It was hard to imagine someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up." - Bella Swan

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." - Miss Piggy


* Come to think of it, maybe Bert is always already into those things. He's kind of like a crazy hobo who magicks unsuspecting little bourgeois kids into the nether-realms. What the hell is that show about, anyways?!

Will I Never Learn?

Homer:

1. n. an ancient Hebrew unit of capacity equal to about 10¹⁄₂ or later 11¹⁄₂ bushels or 100 United States gallons (378 liters)

2. n. 9th–8th? century b.c. Greek epic poet

3. v. to succeed despite idiocy.

3. n. An apologist, fanatic, and staunch defender of a sports team or organization, usually from her local region, who is attached to that group with kamikaze-like loyalty.

I am currently in 14th place in my NCAA bracket. 14th out of 15. I'm still not out of the running, however, thanks to the "madness" of college basketball's betting format. In fact, I could still finish as high as third if North Carolina beats Villanova and then goes to beat Michigan St. in the final.

Of course, now that I've told you, it's not going to happen.

But how did I get to this dismal position to begin with? Well, it's got a lot to do with the fact that I had both Washington and UCLA in the Round of 8. And even though I don't have any Pac-10 teams in the Final Four, throughout my entire bracket I had them going 9-6, when in reality they went 6-6. And I even had Arizona losing in the first round.

On an entirely unrelated note, I finished dead last in my Fantasy Football league this year. Even though I had my team packed with 5 players from the Seattle Seahawks and 3 more from the San Francisco 49ers. I finished last even in spite of having Kurt Warner on my team, for Christ's sake!

But now the NBA is getting ready for the playoffs. I am totally psyched. The Trail Blazers are going to sweep the Rockets in the First Round and then upset the Lakers in 6 to get to the Conference Finals.

I guarantee it.

Monday Morning Schadenfreude

You know who I hate?

Allen Iverson.

Somewhere out in the depths of the Internet, there's a video of me on my 21st birthday, going off on a drunken tirade about how absolutely horrible of a basketball player he is. I mention this to prove that if the Detroit Pistons had asked me what I thought about Iverson when they were considering trading Chauncey Billups for him, I would not have hesitated to give my opinion. I'm not just kind of fair-weather hater, is what I'm saying.

Iverson was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the Detroit Pistons on November 3 for Chauncey Billups. (Essentially, since Antonio McDyess later re-signed with the Pistons.) That was on the second day of the season. Last year, Detroit went 59-23. So far this season, they're 29-29. "But Joel," you say, "there are so many variables at work! Their starters are all starting to age! They have to compete with the Cavs, Celtics, and Magic! They have a new, young coach! You can't blame the Pistons' decline solely on Iverson!" Fine. But now, let's look at Iverson's old team, Denver.

The Nuggets finished last season 50-32, a .610 win percentage, and lost in the first round of the playoffs to the Lakers. So far this season, they are 39-21, .650. At this point, they're #1 in their division, meaning that they should be able to avoid either the Lakers and the Spurs in the first round, and should be favored to make at least the semi-finals.

But here's the kicker. Since February 8, the Pistons had been in a free-fall, losing 8 games in a row and falling into seventh place in the East. It had been starting to look like they might not even make the playoffs. They had lost the first three games of a five-game road trip, including a 21-point drubbing at the hands of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Then Iverson started suffering from mysterious back ailments, and was flown back to Detroit, his starting position in the line-up returned to Rip Hamilton. And then the Pistons won. At Orlando. And then they won again. At Boston.

And after the Celtics lost, Paul Pierce said: ''You can tell they're playing the system they played before Iverson got there. When Iverson is out there they're still trying to figure out how to use each other, how to all be successful. But that group that's out there is definitely comfortable because they've played together for years.''

Rip Hamilton said: ''We played our type of basketball. That's the thing for me with Tayshaun, Rasheed (Wallace) and (Antonio) McDyess, I always know they're going to be at all times.''

Doc Rivers said: ''This is the old Pistons we're playing now. The ball is hopping. They're playing together.''

Gee, nothing personal A.I., but when you're not there, the Pistons "play the system they played," "played our type of basketball," and were "playing together." It's almost as if playing "together" as a "team" helps Detroit "win basketball games."

I am still at sea as to why Detroit would trade Billups, who has won infinitely more NBA Championships than Iverson and is the epitome of a team-leading point guard who plays the system. The conventional wisdom is that, because Iverson's contract is due to expire next season, the Pistons are preparing to rebuild completely, and possibly get into the running for signing one (or more) of the big names that will be free-agents in 2010. Fine. But I still contend that they're better with Iverson on the bench. In a suit. At home. Weeping.

But we'll find out. Denver plays at Detroit tomorrow. My money says that, as long as Iverson doesn't play, the Pistons will win.

Because I hate him.

Go Blazers.

What I Am Reading This Morning

1)"For McCain, Lighter End After Years On the Trail" - In some alternate universe, John McCain picked Joe Lieberman as his running mate, openly rebuked the far-right wing of his party, fired Steve Schmidt, and publicly refused the endorsements of Bush, Rove, and Cheney. He agreed to do three town-hall meetings with Obama, where they had several exciting and informative exchanges about the intricacies of the capital gains tax and the difference between "tactics" and "strategy" in modern warfare. No one in the McCain campaign has ever used the phrases "socialist," "appeasement," or "pallin' around with terrorists" in reference to Obama. Latest polls show Obama coasting to a victory, winning every state but Arizona and Utah.

2) "Nuggets Dealing Iverson to Pistons" - Go Celtics. Go Cavs. Go... Bobcats. I now have a new team to despise in the East.

3) " 'Joe said this morning when I walked into the coffee shop, 'It sure is quiet in town,' ' Clark Weber told me, referring to one of his neighbors. 'There was nobody on the streets. Everybody's pickup was in front of the right house. Nobody had run off with nobody's wife. Joe and I sat there and looked at one another and drank coffee, and we couldn't even think of anything to talk about.' " - Pamela Colloff, "Exile on Main Street: George W. Bush's Weary Neighbors"

4) "It was not really till after their recent long talk that she knew how deeply, how quite exhaustively, they had communicated - so that they were to remain together, for the time, in consequence, quite in the form of sociable drinkers who sit back from the table over which they had been resting their elbows, over which they have emptied to the last drop their respective charged cups. The cups were still there on the table, but turned upside down; and nothing was left for the companions but to confirm by placid silences the fact that the wine had been good." - Henry James, The Golden Bowl

Basketball Jonez

Well, the NBA and its network affiliate, ABC, finally got their way.

The Finals start tomorrow night, between the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers. I'm sure that David Stern, the commissioner for the NBA, and all the execs at ABC are breathing a sigh of relief that they don't have to endure yet another year of Spurs vs. Pistons, of trying to find a way to market fundamental, team-oriented basketball based on winning through good defense and consistent free-throw percentages. No longer do the producers have to try to find some way of making soft-spoken and well-mannered Tim Duncan into a superstar, nor do they have to find a way to force every Rasheed Wallace outburst into their narrative of, "He is such a talented player, and could be a Hall-of-Famer, if it weren't for his Achilles' Heel of being an asshole."

No! Instead, they get the gift-wrapped Finals that dreams are made of, Lakers vs. Celtics! Every storyline is prefabricated for them: Kobe Bryant trying to get his first championship sans-Shaq, the Celtics trying to win a title just one year after a total over-haul, Phil Jackson trying to pass Red Auerbach as the coach with most championships. And the history, oh the history! Expect lots and lots of cuts to old banners hanging from the rafters, video montages showing the rivalry between Larry Bird and Magic Johnson, Bill Russell and Kareem Abdul-Jabar wrestling a bear during halftime. Believe me, the networks are going to milk this for every penny it's worth, and then some.

But where does that leave the rest of us? Consider this: Since the founding of the NBA in 1950, there have been 58 Finals. 36 of those have featured at least one of the Lakers or the Celtics. This will be the eleventh time that they have played each other, with the Celtics having one eight of their ten previous Finals matches. After this year, the two teams will have combined to win thirty of the 58 titles - that's more than half. It may not be as bad as the Yankees, but let's face it, these two franchises have dominated professional basketball.

But, more importantly, where does that leave me? What happened to my dreams of a New Orleans vs. Toronto match-up? As someone who usually roots for the underdog, how do I choose between a match-up of Goliath vs. Goliath, of two No. 1 seeds, of the two winningest franchises in NBA history? Simple: I'm rooting against Kobe. If you tortured me, I would eventually have to admit that he is, far and away, the best, most valuable, and most talented player in basketball today. But reading this article on cnnsi.com confirmed what I already knew about Kobe: not only is he a jerk, but he's an obsessive-compulsive, sociopathic, narcissistic jerk. And I don't know about you, but I'm still bitter about how quickly he got off of that little "rape" incident in Denver a few years back. No one can say whether or not he was guilty, but the fact that the whole case got dismissed and then quietly swept under the rug did nothing to lower my eyebrows of judgment.